


Night and Day

by Augustus



Series: Interludes [3]
Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-05-23
Updated: 2000-05-23
Packaged: 2018-03-07 07:06:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3165863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augustus/pseuds/Augustus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Follows that nasty little piece of canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Night and Day

Some nights it feels as though the sun may never rise again. When I lie alone in my bed it is as though the darkness that surrounds me is slowly closing in about my body. In the daytime I can almost fool myself into believing that the chilly touch of a gentle breeze is the gentle caress of his large hands. Once the sun sets, however, a breeze is just a breeze once more and the only chill seems to be that in my heart.

It's funny how memories can take on an almost physical form at times. There are moments when it is only the faintest grasp on reality that prevents me from truly believing that he is at my side. When the sun is shining, I can close my eyes and his arms are around me, holding me tightly and protecting me from the world and from the truth of what has passed.

When the sun shines, I can almost fool myself into believing that one day I shall be happy again.

When the world around me sleeps, however, make-believe no longer brings me comfort. In dreams my master takes on nightmarish form and in darkness-shrouded wakefulness there is no lie strong enough to take away the pain. I dare not sleep and I dare not remain awake. It is when I lie alone in the bed that once we shared that the choice between living and dying becomes so blurred.

After all, am I really alive without him?

I move and I breath but I am not really here. I ceased to exist when Qui-Gon joined the force. This body is no more than a gutted shell. My heart and my soul died when he did.

There is no death, there is the force…

What if everything I have always known to be the truth is, in reality, no more true than the childhood legends that Annakin so trustingly passes on to me on his return to our rooms each evening? Why speak of the code when it is such an intangible notion? I have spent my all of the life I can remember following an unwritten rulebook. And yet now I begin to doubt. It was the code that brought Qui-Gon into my wretched life… and it was the code that snatched him away from me while our love was barely more than the freshest bud.

Sometimes I hate the code. Especially when the world is dark.

I have come to equate darkness with loneliness in my mind. When I retire to my rooms, with only the company of a child to comfort me, it can feel as though I am all alone in the world. The kind words passed my way during the daylight hours are forgotten as the shadows stalk me. It is then that I realise I will never truly feel whole again without him beside me. It is all too easy to succumb to optimism when the sun warms its way through to the shattered remnants of my heart. Only when the day's warmth fades do I accept the truth.

Only when the darkness cloaks me do I cry.

**~fin~**


End file.
